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I’m sorry.

I know it’s too late but I’m sorry nonetheless. I apologize for a lot of things but most of all, I apologize for not having loved you as I should have. For drawing back, for keeping a big part of myself to myself.

I’m sorry I was scared. You see – love makes you vulnerable. Love means being responsible for someone else and vice versa. I knew I could make you unbelievably happy. The thing is – I didn’t, can’t, trust you to do the same for me. And I know it wasn’t really fair because you gave it your all while I only gave what I can.

I’m sorry for pushing you away, I realize that now. The tantrums, the mood swings, the cravings, the  cold shoulders, the flirting – all those were made to test you. I’m sorry. I was pushing you away because in my heart I know, I didn’t deserve it. How could I when I love you less? And every time you handled the tantrums,  ignored the mood swings, dealt with my cravings, endured through the cold shoulders and the flirting — every single time — I realize the pitiable extent of my feelings compared to yours. What was it again — the brighter the light is, the darker the shadows that lurk?

I’m sorry, I really am.

On this sad, sad day..

I’m picking up my pen again.

Because it’s the least that I can do.

Because you remind me that whatever little I have to say, I have the right to say it and be heard.

Because you inspire me to offer a part of myself again and not fear rejection.

So I’m picking up my pen again (and will strive to write something worthy) for the woman in yellow.

second chances..

I really didn’t like blogging.
I mean, i tried it and as you can see, I failed.. given that my last post was more than a year ago.

I just didn’t like the way some people blogged. It’s like self-advertising. It’s like asking for attention.

and i don’t really like asking for attention.. I’m used to getting it without even asking. hahahhahaha

Seriously though, I didn’t like blogging. I mean, if i have nothing important to write for people to read, then maybe it’s better to just write it in a diary.  I still don’t understand why people blog about little things, little unimportant things.

Whatever. I’m just rambling… just saying that I’m back.

Here’s to second chances.. i think.

I hate those religious chain letters..

I hate electronic messages that tell you about Christ and then ask you to pass the message on – electronically.  I believe that you do not exercise faith just by answering to a call in an electronic letter or through a text message. I hate having to feel guilty because I don’t want to pass the message on – Am I not doing my Christian role when I refuse to clog other people’s email with this? Am I evil if I refuse to encourage religious commercialism?

Yes. I know that in this modern world it becomes more difficult to have a closer relationship with your God but I honestly don’t believe that a simple, pass-on letter would help. Will I be included in the list of those who go to heaven if I am one of those people who forwarded the message?

I believe in communicating with your own God personally, not through any medium. If you’re a Christian, then Christ is the only  way for you to communicate with God – not a cellphone, not a PC.

Who the hell started this? I think it’s Globe or Smart.

Warning: Don’t send me messages and letters that ask me to pass it on, particularly if it’s a religious one. It really pisses me off.

Rubbish Rumble

We are having a big issue about garbage.

We’ve had problems about garbage before. You see nobody wants to take responsibility for the garbage meaning nobody wants to take it out even though it’s brimming full. Our garbage then cultivates a whole community of maggots making it less likely for someone to take the garbage out. This has happened a lot of times that the fact that we haven’t fought about it is amazing.

It was then that I devised a solution to our garbage issue. At that time, Ryan and I are the usual people who take the garbage out. Ate Mic is usually home by four or five and by then, the garbage people are nowhere to be found. So I just said that Ryan, Aaron and I would alternately take the garbage out and Ate Mic would be the one to buy the garbage bag. It all seemed fair and it was working.

Until now.

The facts:

August 4, Saturday: I took out the garbage. Time for a new garbage bag.

August 7, Tuesday: Although not yet full, I closed the bag because a few more days and maggots would start to camp. I told Aaron that it was his turn to throw it out.

August 8, Wednesday: Aaron arrived before 12 and said that he can’t take the garbage out because he can’t find the garbage people anymore. He promised he’d arrive home early Wednesday to take it out. Although I think he can still throw the garbage out and he just has to look for the garbage people, I didn’t say anything because he promised he’d throw it out by the next day.

August 9, Thursday: Aaron arrived late again. The garbage just stayed there.

August 10, Friday: Hello Maggots!

August 11, Saturday: Hello Even Bigger, Nastier Maggots!

I got a C!

I want to travel. I love to travel.

It seems like I still have a lot of places to go before I can call myself well-travelled… and to think that’s just the Philippines.

Bakit kasi walang magic carpet, or Floo powder.

My Lakbayan grade is C!

How much of the Philippines have you visited? Find out at Lakbayan!

Created by Eugene Villar.

Updates… updates

My blog silence was just supposed to last a few days but well, it lasted for three months.

Can a lot of things happen in three months? Not really if you’re stuck at home for the last two months. haha

But a lot has happened around me. I see myself right now as the only immobile person in a very crowded street. Others are just passing me by without even a glance, some stop to say hi, some just well.. some don’t pass my street anymore. They’ve changed route, I guess.

I want to talk about a lot of things – about the election and how I found two envelopes containing 600 pesos each. I was furious. I was disappointed. About Chiz Escudero – how I so wanted him to win yet in the end, it seems like he’s with the administration. About the lack of rain for the past few months and how it’s been raining nonstop. I’m babbling. I don’t make sense.

Well, not making sense seems like the most sensible thing a person does after waking up from a very long and deep dream.

A Moment for Virginia Tech

The Virginia Tech Massacre is.. Heck, I don’t know how to define or describe it. Sad is an understatement. To use disturbing or crazy seem shallow – it’s like you just picked up a horrid photograph, said it was disturbing and just dropped it off without really realizing what’s in the picture or why it was there. Maybe, we never really will understand how someone can take somebody else’s life or understand what one person goes through. So I will not try to define it or somehow try to understand it. I am really in no position to say anything but just hold out my hand for those who mourn.

I want to pray for a lot of things, for a lot of people. But in the end, I only pray for one thing – that we end the cycle of hate.

Pacquiao Panic

I am officially in a state of panic. I have a lot of things to say about the Pacquiao fever and I so want to say them, yet I don’t know which to say first. I won’t say anything about the fight though, I don’t care if he honestly beat the hell out of an ‘inexperienced, came-out-of-nowhere’ (no offense to Solis) fighter, but I hated how media just gobbled up the whole Pacquiao platter and how politicians just loved being part of the dessert. So I’ll just do bullets (or maybe I’m just lazy).

• Why was he ever announced as a congressional candidate? Did that somehow help his morale? Did that somehow intimidate his opponent? Was he really thinking that this next punch is going to be for the people of General Santos?
• While he was being interviewed, his staff was shouting ‘Pacquiao for Congressman.’ Hello? Paging Comelec? Isn’t this unfair? And don’t tell me that you cannot contain people from letting out their emotions. Yes – civilians you cannot contain. But people working for a congressional candidate, you should!
• Please, stop calling him a ‘hero’. I realize that Pacquiao has done a lot to the public, boost their morale or make them win a bet – don’t know which is which. But please, have some respect for our heroes. Don’t use the term lightly. It’s annoying already because if ever, Pacquiao is our only hero who is basking in unadulterated love and fame and lives to enjoy it. All the other heroes died for it or at least, suffered for it. I so hope that this doesn’t give a bird-brained politician, eager to join the Pacquiao bandwagon, the idea of elevating him to Philippine hero status – that thought was just added to my nightmare list.

Me in an intrapersonal conversation

How long do you grieve for a mistake?
Hmm.. Mistake is not the term. Mistake would entail that you regret that decision – that somehow it is against some law or rule. It was not a mistake. It just so happened that in the process, you hurt someone.
So how long do you grieve for that person?
You really cannot grieve for a person. You cannot carry his/her pain, his /her burdens.
So how long do you grieve?
why grieve?
******
What is love?
Mushy, overused and so abused question.
But how can I be in a state I do not know of?
You cannot NOT know it. The fact that you chose to be in that state, that you ‘entered’ that state entails that you know it, that you somehow have an understanding of it.
Ok………So what is love?
hay.. talking with stupid, but talking still. such self-love..
******
When is the best time to move on?
Now.
Why now?
Why later?
*****
Am I selfish?
Selfish can be self-preservation. Self-centered can be self-love. Depends on how you view things.
*****
You’re not really answering me
You’re not really asking.
Then, why are we talking?
Because the affirmation and validation that you need from others, you first have to get from yourself.